When givers stop giving: The darker side of giving

A guest post by Su-Ann Phillips

I care. A lot. I care about the world. I care for the environment. I care about people around me. I have many people I care about and I want to take care of all of them. If I am asked to put in extra hours at work on the same evening my daughter who is preparing for examination wants me to be at home with her, I will be agonizing over how I can be present to both at the same time.

I put the needs of others before mine. I agonize over spending $30 on a meal for myself but think nothing about blowing $300 on a dinner out with my family / friends. Rarely it crosses my mind to examine what I really need in a given situation. So when asked, I often give the blank stare. Then I give a superficial, generic unexamined response, like, “give me space”, or “I need to rest”.

Sometimes, I care too much about others to the point it becomes an indulgence. It is so ingrained in me to give, to share, to be of service to others that there are few questions asked, less or no conditions set, and usually no expectations of return.

Compassionate, selfless, loving, supportive… I am sure I’m not alone. We givers seek harmony, we work hard, we pull our weight in teams… what’s there not to like about givers? Given we givers are generous upfront, we are likeable teammates, enjoyable partners, willing leaders.

But giving has a dark side that not many people talk about.

This likeable, goody-good nature of mine often gets me into all kinds of trouble, debt (or low savings). I have loaned money, paid for things in advance but the return is often missing. Even in situations where the money can be returned, I would procrastinate in asking for the money back: I don’t see that as an issue. The same pattern shows up in my work. I would work first, and not ask to be compensated, even after the work has been completed. I also tend to take on more than I can manage, creating dependency and reliance on me that is more than what I can manage realistically. I’ve been burned out from giving at personal cost and giving more than I can afford. For my partner and family, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to support the success of my partner and family, including cutting back on my success.

The problem with this self-sacrificing is the imbalance indulgent giving creates in me and in my relationships.

The exchange turns into situations where I feel I have given everything, but in return, I have gotten too little from the other, and the other is none the wiser for it. And when I’m no longer able to see how I can contribute or add value, or how I can give and support in that situation, I hold back, I withdraw.

This is when takers / dependents in the relationship make noise. Takers don’t get what the withdrawal is about; all they grasp is the vacuum that is left behind by the non-giving. Dependents become helpless, lost and disorientated. Which sets off the “what’s wrong” / “what’s up” line of interrogation.

Then the snap happens. The “Poor me”, “why me” whiny victim cycle is triggered.

This is the dark side of giving. It perpetuates dependency, helplessness, disempowerment. It’s like how the rich feel good about themselves when they help the poor – does it mean the poor has to remain poor so that the rich feel good about themselves when they help the poor?

So what can I be responsible for?

I am the one who unconsciously seeks out takers in my life. I am the one who unconsciously perpetuates the taking, dependency mentality. I am the one who withdraws, and then snaps. Did anyone specifically tell me to give until there is nothing left to give? To pay for others without asking for it to be returned on time and in the correct amount?

Not asking for a return or a timely exchange at point of negotiation and completion teaches the people around me one thing: it is an open invitation for more unconscious taking to happen.

Today, I want to make it known that I want to change this part of me. Not to give it up, but to manage it better, more effectively.

I am happy to give. And I want to continue giving. And to give, I need more in the first place. So I set boundaries what is giveable, what is not, to whom, and for what. I make it a habit now ask myself before giving: what do I really need in this situation? What is really needed in this situation? I make it a conscious effort to teach others how to give back to me. I invite others to give me in ways I am open to receive.

What happens when I do? I find that there are people who will respond to my requests, often very happy to give back. Then abundance and overflow happens. That is the better side of giving to be on.