What randomness taught me about happiness

A few months back, my mentor suggested I do an interesting experiment.

The concept is simple. For a few hours, just hand all decision-making powers over to a pair of dice.

You go where the dice tell you, eat what the dice tell you, and do what the dice tell you.

Crazy, I know.

Here’s how it works:

1. Go to a random bus stop
2. Get on a random bus
3. Get off at a random stop
4. Eat at a random place
5. Choose a random stall
6. Eat a random dish
7. Do a random thing

The idea was to explore “freedom”.

I didn’t know what dice had to do with freedom, but I was excited to do things without a point. After all, I’d spent my whole life trying to achieve things. Whatever I did, it was always to reach some outcome.

Maybe it was time to just let go and see what life could be like, without me using my conscious will. Maybe it was time to simply surrender.

On my first day, I woke up early. Near my home there are 6 bus stops. I used a die to choose which bus stop to go to. Then at the bus stop, I used the dice again to decide what bus to get on. I rolled a pair of dice to decide when to alight.

I had no idea where I was going. Every moment felt like an adventure.

As a sat in the bus, staring out the window, I felt a heavy weight lift from my shoulders.

All my life I had worked towards achieving my goals. Once I achieved a goal, I invented a new one. I worked hard to become a banker, a coach, an instructor. All because I thought becoming someone would make me happy.

As I sat in that bus, surrendering my will to some higher force, I gave myself permission not to have any goals.

I looked at the trees go by and watch the traffic lights change, without a single care where I would end up. Tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably as I finally breathed for the first time in months.

I ended up at a food court of a shopping centre close by.

The dice told me to eat at an Indian stall.

I don’t usually eat Indian food.

But… since I had decided to play the game, I had to commit.

I went to the Indian stall, looked at their menu, and rolled the dice again. The dice said, “Item G: Dosa”. What the heck is dosa?

When the dosa came, I placed the plate in front of me and took my first bite. It was delicious. My taste buds were receptive. They were alive. I tasted the crispiness of the skin, the saltiness of the potato filling, and the minty taste of the sauce.

How amazing! It was one of the best meals I ever had in my life.

The dosa was just a regular dish from a regular stall at a regular food court. It was not a Michelin star meal. It was my attitude that had changed.

For the first time, I did not have any preferences. I embraced the experience happening in front of me. I was grateful for every single bite and I was receptive to the rich and colourful taste of a new dish.

When I let go of my preferences, I was able to fully experience and receive what the world had to offer. I did not have any filters for what should be or what should be not be. Just a full acceptance of whatever was happening in front of me.

The next week, I did the same thing again. I went wherever the dice told me to go and ate whatever the dice told me to eat. This time, after following the dice for two hours, I found myself at Snow City.

Now I have to admit, when the dice first told me to go to Snow City, I was like whaaat?? I didn’t want to go to this lame excuse for a tourist attraction.

But as I said, when I decided to do the experiment, I knew I had to commit fully.

So off I went.

Once inside, I saw a huge slide. Next to the slide was a pile of rubber tubes. Immediately I got excited. As I stared at the slide, I felt like a kid again. Again, I felt my heart lighten.

All my life I had been trying to achieve – be a better employee, be a better coach, be a better writer, be a better daughter, etc. I constantly felt not good enough and that I had to be a better version of myself. I was always working hard to get somewhere.

Yet, as I stared at the slide, I realised that I was now giving myself permission to be happy. To laugh and play like a child again. Wasn’t this the happiness I had been longing for my whole life, yet never felt I deserved?

I took a black tube, sat on it, and zoomed down the slide. It was exhilarating! Fun! I threw my hands in the air, closed my eyes, and screamed my heart out. I felt joy and abandon. I felt light and free. When I rode down the slide, I let go of years of worry and stress and care and anxiety.

I always thought that people didn’t want me to be happy. That if I was too happy, something bad would happen and that I would lose everything I had worked for. I did not allow myself to be ‘too’ happy.

But now, I didn’t care anymore. Happiness was right here in front of me, the very moment I allowed it.

I went down the slide at least 10 times. Over and over again I rode down the slide. I saw children and families ride the slide too. I was the only adult there, alone. But I didn’t care. I felt like a kid again.

This is when I realised that what I had always wanted – happiness – had always been just within my grasp. It was always there. It was me who had put walls and conditions around my happiness. It was me who only allowed myself to feel happy at certain times and in certain situations.

For example:

• I am happy only if I get 100 marks on the exam.
• I am happy only when I am approved and validated.
• I am happy only when I succeed.

But this does not have to be the case.

I can be happy any time. No matter what happens. Even if I fail. Even if I am rejected. That’s what having no preferences means. Just like how I let go of my preferences in food to have the best meal of my life, I can also let go of my preferences for outcomes. All I can is do my best and put in the work. How people respond, whether I succeed or fail, is beyond me.

I embrace all outcomes, whether they be positive or negative in my subjective judgment. No matter what happens, I can be happy.

And that’s when I realised what freedom is. Freedom is to be happy under any circumstance, under any conditions. Freedom is when my mood and state is no longer determined by what happens to me.

This is the path of unconditional happiness. This is joy.

This doesn’t mean that I am smiling all the time. I cry and get angry and frustrated. Emotions are like waves that flow through me. I let them flow freely and feel them fully. Once I feel these emotions, I let them go. I do not hang on to them or deny them or suppress them or identify with them. I simply let them pass.

Underlying all I feel, there is a space of lightness, peace, and joy that constantly abides.