A guest post by Su-Ann Phillips
It took courage to publish this article. If you know me personally, reading this article might change the way you look at me, and the relationship we have. You have been warned.
At the risk of coming across as anti-social and aloof… truth is, people who know me well enough will, if they allow themselves to, agree that while we might have a good working relationship, while we might get along well, it may not always be clear as to whether we are friends.
I view relationships through a practical lens – they have to serve some purpose in my life. So, if we work on a project together, or we have fun doing something together, we have what I would call a working relationship.
I feel privileged to have many great working relationships and partnerships in my life.
I can work with many different kinds of people; getting along with others is something I thrive on; I have many collaborative working relationships and teams that create results in my life, and I do many different things with different people.
But… I just don’t see myself as someone who has a lot of friends.
At this point you might be going, okay, this is just expectations gone crazy on what being a friend is about.
It could well be the case, hear me out.
I have A to thank for triggering this examination that leads me now to realise why I am this way.
A is a person I need to work with. A is intelligent, capable, resourceful and sharp. But if it weren’t for work reasons, I know I would not seek out A to hang out with as a friend.
To me, A is not a friend.
In my world, it takes a lot more effort to be friends with A. The main barrier being I have an issue with A’s need to be in control.
As it is, it is a source of conflict when we work and A’s need for control becomes too much for me. I assume A’s same need for control will spill over into the friendship line, and that becomes a huge barrier to overcome.
Friendship in my world cannot be coerced. Once forced, once there is a necessity tied to it, I can no longer consider it friendship in my world. It is auto-delegation to “people I work with zone” in my life.
With A, I already run the conversation (in my head, of course!) that I need to put in more effort to get past my resistances so that there can be less conflict. Now, my resistance did not originate from A. It came from my traumas around being controlled and bad friendships that I have not handled, and A is merely a trigger.
But as the result of the conflicts I’ve had with A over time, sometimes, even before we start interacting, the petty part of me is already on the defense, and I feel the need to be prepared to put in more energy and attention just to keep the relationship workable. This part of me is still a work in progress.
So with A, we set boundaries and agreements on acceptable behaviors – thanks to coaching where I learn how to manage relationship dynamics. We literally spend a fair amount of energy talking about agreements.
These conversations make our relationship work and minimise triggers and conflict, but they are a bi*$& to work through.
It becomes a drain on our relationship.
To me, instead of working to get things done, we are working on getting along with each other. A is so staying in the work zone! How could we be friends when so much more effort is needed?!
And this is there I am at. Cautious, defensive, stuck in this mindset. Stuck in the loop that it takes too much effort to be friends with A. I haven’t gotten past this stage.
Now, this would not be an issue for me, except I do notice how I secretly get envious from time to time when I see how some people have many friends. How do they do it?
More importantly, why can’t I?
As much as I would love to have more friends in my life, truth is, I do not make being a friend a priority in my life. I feed myself excuses like I’m in survival mode! No capacity! Too tired! Too busy! I am so happy on my own!
And not forgetting the fact that I am hampered by me telling me that it takes work to be a friend. Therein lies my issue.
I take friendship way too seriously. I feel that in order for me to be a friend, I have to have X amount of energy and make X amount of effort. I take being a friend as seriously as I take being a mother, a lover, and a business partner, and being me, to a point it becomes too much for me to extend myself to be a friend. Of course, all these are my own barriers, created by yours truly, and I live with the consequences.
So maybe what I really need is an updated definition of what a friend is.
Despite what was shared about A, my relationship with A works. It is a relatively easy working relationship as long as I continue deliver the agreed XYZ to A and not get stuck in my “I can’t do this” mode. Easy in the sense the relationship can be maintained to achieve a certain predictable outcome. And if the relationships in my life can be managed so, I actually live with the possibility that I can have as many friends as I wish to, and have it all.
So… *inhales sharply* shall we be friends?
This is a guest post by Su-Ann Phillips. Su-Ann is a writer, business-owner and coach.
