A guest post by Su-Ann Phillips
For the longest time, I hid my softness. I followed what I thought were external manifestations of power: being tough, acting strong, making demands, foolishly assuming that determination, persistence and discipline were THE necessary tools to manifest dreams. I prematurely concluded that to be an inspirational leader meant that I had to be tough all the time.
Step aside, sweetheart.
There’s no space for sweet dreaming musing love in the world of achievement! You want success? Plain and simple. Set goals, follow the mechanics and make it work. Work first, play later. Get there fast, then take it slow.
For the longest time, I assumed the world wasn’t going to give me what I wanted unless I fought hard for it. I bought into the belief that only warriors got results, and they won by fighting hard. I took this to be the only truth. So I did not allow myself to sleep in, to take breaks, or indulge in what looked externally like silly, nonsensical fancies. I trained myself to be an effective, result-driven machine. Sometimes, I coached this way. Sometimes, I senselessly pushed my daughter, justifying it as the need to prepare my daughter for the harshness of the world.
Did I get what I want?
Sure.
I turned my life around from being someone who “just wanted to write” to someone who built a writing business around what I love – working with children that eventually got offered to be bought over, but… what of it after? Clients whom I pushed and demanded more of them, yes, they got what they want in a short period of time, but… what of it after? And so while I appreciate the hard effective, results-driven mechanical part of me, there’s a part of me who cries out, help! I’m dying inside!
Truth is, when no one is watching, when I’m not buying into chasing after the dreams of someone else, when I’m not pleasing someone to be accepted, I am soft. My womb loves to muse to create, and it opens up to heal others. I am stronger when I dream, muse, love, nurture, give, accept, flow, coordinate, facilitate, create, heal. I am stronger when I am sweet, kind, empathetic, compassionate, vulnerable, and joyful. I feel more powerful when I flow with the universe’s wisdom, dancing with the stars and playing with same powers that breathe and nurture life in this world.
The problem is, we don’t and we can’t just live in our soft bubble.
The hard truth when it comes to being soft is that I become an easy target for manipulation in a somewhat desperate, needy world of take, like the girl-next-door whose sweetness gets taken for granted. Sweet love, mocks the opportunist, attracts vampires hard and fast. The hard truth about giving freely is the relentless fighting over resources for survival and attention among others around me that leaves me drained and torn. Being drained leads to being disillusioned that eventually tears me up inside: I start to reduce, I become more calculative, and my fight response is to take flight, hide in my cave. The hard truth when I am soft with others means I am willing to forgo seeing things for what they really are (a.k.a. the truth). So I overlook and dismiss flaws in others or faults in matters. And by choosing not to confront, by allowing things to let be, I inevitably become the block in the way of becoming better.
So while soft is my strength, I have coach training to thank for the gift of an equally-important mechanic all softies must have: the power to be conscious of distinctions. Softness comes with responsibilities too, and learning to distinguish when and how soft works is making a huge difference for me. Without boundaries and agreements, softness creates serious imbalances between give, take and exchange in my relationships. So now, while I won’t hold myself back from being easy to be with, generous, kind and sweet, I control the conditions in which I give : who and when and in what circumstances and to what degree I choose to be generous, kind and sweet. Rather than give freely without consciousness, I consciously remind myself have a fair exchange that I deserve so that I will always have more to give, ultimately. I consciously remind myself that it is okay to say no and that it is okay to make the drawn lines known so people learn how to dance around me. With these distinctions becoming the sweet spots for harnessing the soft power in me, I find I can life live with greater clarity, courage, and of course, love.
This is a guest post by Su-Ann Phillips. Su-Ann is a writer, business-owner and coach.
