How to be gentle with yourself

It is easy to be hard in this world. It is easy to compete, to achieve, to conquer, to fight. Being hard is what our culture rewards and demands.

It is far more difficult to be soft. It is difficult to be ourselves, difficult to surrender, difficult to let go of who we think we are supposed to be.

When we take off our masks, who is left? When we stop pleasing society, who will approve of us? When we turn away from what is publicly rewarded and celebrated, who will accept us?

Yet, as we strive to meet society’s demands, the one person we reject and neglect is ourselves. We stop knowing how to be alone, how to be enough, how to simply be ourselves and love ourselves.

Each time we turn away from who we truly are to fit into someone else’s expectations of who we should be, we kill a bit of ourselves. We lose a little bit of personal integrity. We drain a little of our life force.

Saying no to external demands and yes to ourselves is like losing the battle and winning the war.

There’s a force inside of us that’s pure and beautiful, light and good. It is simply there, quietly giving us guidance, constantly reminding us of who we really are.

We seldom listen to that voice.

Listening to that voice is the path of the unknown. There is no external reward for listening to that voice. The immediate costs are high. After all, we’re turning away from our approval addiction, turning away from comfortable suffering.

But the benefits are immeasurable, however imperceptible to us in the moment we begin listening to our inner voice.

My personal story

I was always in the pursuit of more. As a coach, I wanted more clients, more impact, more results. At my work, I wanted more opportunities, more exposure to senior management, more impact, more approval, more attention.

I wanted more of everything.

So much so that I was willing to work long hours and overextend myself all the time, forgetting about taking breaks, neglecting my health, and disregarding my emotional well-being.

Soon my body would not have it. My eczema erupted like thousands of little volcanoes all over my skin. Angry red patches, rashes that itched like mad, abrasions and wounds all over my body. They hurt like crazy.

I was also emotionally broken, crying randomly, yet holding on to my self-image that I had everything together.

One night I couldn’t take it anymore. My eczema hurt so much, I rolled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep. That’s when I pleaded to whatever higher powers were up there, “please help me,” I kept saying over and over again in my head.

Eventually the itching stopped.

The itching stopped when I allowed myself to be good to myself. To be gentle with myself. To stop demanding of myself to constantly be better and be more. The itching stopped only when I stopped buying into my core belief that I was not good enough.

“I’m not good enough”, had driven me my whole life to achieve more, to be more, to do more. That drive had brought me financial rewards and acceptance in society, but each time I forced myself to be more, I was reinforcing the story of “not good enough”.

I hated myself and rejected myself, and everything I did was a desperate attempt to be someone other than who I was. But my body, my mind, my heart, had had enough of that self-torture. I didn’t know how to express myself, so the anger and frustration got expressed in my skin and my body.

Literally, I was not comfortable in my own skin.

What it means to be gentle

Today, I am learning to be gentle with myself. I’m learning what it means to be me, what it means to be good enough.

Being gentle with myself, I allow myself to be honest with myself and others.

Being gentle with myself, I express how I’m really feeling.

Being gentle with myself, I allow myself take a break.

Being gentle with myself, I follow my heart.

Being gentle with myself, I let go of the mask I’ve learned to wear to please others.

Being gentle with myself, I walk away from situations that no longer serve my growth.

Being gentle with myself, I pursue my heart’s calling instead of chasing what society has taught me to want.

Being gentle with myself, I welcome the unknown, trusting that things will eventually work out.

Being gentle with myself, I do not judge my struggles, but recognise them as a necessary phase.

Being gentle with myself, I choose that which serves my highest good, over that which keeps me safe but miserable.

Being gentle with myself, I trust my innermost calling and listen to the whisperings of my heart.

Being gentle with myself, I show my true face to the world rather than hide behind a role.

Being gentle with myself, I stop pretending to be anyone other than who I really am.

Being gentle with myself, I show up where it matters, and do work that calls forth my entire being.

Being gentle with myself, I serve the world in a way that only I can.

I am enough for me

Being gentle with myself, I realise it is okay if my work only impacts me. I used to want to impact others, to change lots of people. Today I realise that if, through my work, I end up saving only myself, that is enough.

I am enough for me.

How we serve the world

We serve the world by accepting and loving ourselves, knowing that the only person we can really help and change is ourselves.

We value our own growth and evolution, knowing that each tiny step in the positive direction for ourselves creates ripples in the lives of our loved ones and our larger community.